Saturday, December 26, 2009

Sad music and I

It's the day after Christmas and i have to say i had a pretty good day. I spent it learning new music For the band Edison Woods that i play for in NY. we have a show coming up in Jan and you should def check it out

I wrote music, learned more music again for Kate Tucker, ate some food, watched the hangover (funniest movie of 09) all in all, a pretty good day.

It was the first i didn't see my folks and it felt weird. not bad weird, just a little more lighter. I am sure one day they will read this.... but i guess the point of a blog is to be honest right?

We don't really have christmas anymore since my sister died in '94.

we usually try to have a tree and forge laughter in the saftey of whomever we have managed to convince to spend christmas with us. As much as i am so grateful to my parents for always keeping things as normal as possible, It always felt very strained. I could see the frown in my mothers eyes, and the sadness and meloncholy in my father's face.

No matter how much you try to cover up sorrow and pain of that magnitude, it always comes out some way or another.

yesterday, i went about my day quietly reflecting on Alexa (my sister)
It has been so many years and this is just another time marking to let me know that she is moving further and further out of my life. Gone, but certainly not forgotten.

Which, brings me to the reason for this post. My friend J.R introduced me to a profound and brutally honest record. The Antlers. Heard of them? me too but i always thought they were scuzzy rock. however, this effort blinded me completely. The song 'Kettering' reminded me so much of the times my sister was in and out of hospitals and medical institutions. it sent shivers up my spine in a way i have not felt in a long time.

Sometimes it is comforting to be brought back to a particular moment, even if it was a traumatic one.

The album called 'Hospice' (clever and DUH) is amazing and i highly suggest you pick up a copy. here is a link to the pitchfork article. Please read about ti as you will understand how personal this album was to make

Sunday, May 3, 2009


infinity is forevor. forevor is such a long time. forevor is how long i will ride this out.

sometimes i think i am rthe only person in the world who feels this as intensely as i do.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Monday, March 2, 2009

not even tax time

the remnants of a relationship. the only proof now lies in piles of receipts. As i sit here whilst a blizzard attacks the outside world, i am forced to re live the last year of ours through the dubious process of tax time. trips to the vet.... expensive dinners at vegan restaurants where we held eachother's hands across tables.... tickets to stubs from date nights.....

how could i not feel sad and melancholy? what has happened is unchangeable. The past is the past and our futures lie so far apart. But it does not change the way i feel about it. I want happiness for us both, i want to feel the love of another... but nothing changes the fact that i loved you.

Not even tax time will let me forget it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

the confusion

to stay, to go, to love to not.... geeze life feels utterly exhausting right now.
For some reason i am in a constant state of disarray. I thought 2009 was going to be the best year ever and it's not bad don't get me wrong.... but i am being forced to make really big decisions i am not ready to make.

i want to take a road trip somewhere. just get in the car and listen to rad tunes and not have any responsibility for a while. When i am in NY, i am always playing catch up and always thinking about all the things i have not done yet but should.

When i am in LA, i feel like i am running away from all the things that trouble me in NY.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love.

“And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want what you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really don’t want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”

Sarah Kane

Saturday, February 7, 2009

third post today woa!

this is what i did when Obama took over


we did some rad new songs (we being John balicanta from Lola Ray and i. here are some recent pics from the studio and a rad video)

pictures of the last week or so

Saturday, January 31, 2009

dark days and sweet music

Sydney in December was a really bad time, and a really good time. I fhad some pretty crappy stuff happen but through that, came some rad new material with one of my favorite engineers and producers, Richie B of Free Energy device in Sydney. We have been friends for a long time, and when it was all falling apart, he said "right, we better go make some music out of this"

one of the songs called "all the things" is up on the myspace ( so go check it out if you can

we used three ingredients and that's it. A linn drum, a Juno and a toy piano. I wanted a real retro feel. And retro feel i got. The Linn drum is the leader of the retro drum machines. All those cool sounds on Kate bush's records are created by this wondrous machine.

here are some pics and even though they are super blurry, you kind of get the idea.

also, when i moved to NY, Richie became the foster parent to my beautiful Welmar grand piano as my folks had nowhere to put it. Here is a little pic of it. I miss it so much. It was a great joy to go play it again.